I Am Home

Awww...I am home! I am healing, and I am GRATEFUL! Really, I am humbled and awe struck in such a deep and profound way that I have no words to express the gratitude that I have for each breath, each moment and each and every one of you. I actually came home from the hospital over a week ago on Monday, May 24th, but it's taken me a while to reduce pain meds and develop enough range of motion to sit and type. While in the hospital, I lost 7 more pounds (now weighing 112lbs.) laying in the ICU for 5 days being unable to move then 3 more days n the hospital moving minimally. For the first time ever, I do not have a butt! It's the strangest thing to turn sideways, look in the mirror and see two skinny little legs dropping out of my lower back! Weird! In the two weeks that I've been home, I've seen Dr. Lee, Dr. Lewis and have been visited by an in-home care nurse many times...all of whom are thrilled by the rapid rate by which my body is healing and recovering! I look at my breasts and think yikes! It looks like I just slid down a gravel road at 35 mph on my chest, but I trust my body, my doctors and the universe that I will heal miraculously! I have 5 inch incisions under each breast where they removed all of my breast tissue and tumors. One inch incisions were made under each of my arms where they removed four lymph nodes from each side to biopsy and determine whether or not the cancer had spread into my lymph nodes, which tested negative...No cancer in my lymph nodes! Under each breast, you'll notice a pale patch of skin...those are actually pieces of skin from my inner thigh that they used to reconstruct the underneath part of my breast. In creases of thighs along my groin, there are 9 inch long incisions where they removed two chunks of fat from my inner thighs to reconstruct my breasts. Those incisions are healing the quickest, but also present the most challenge as the skin as now really tight and pulls. The black patches are actually scabs that have formed where pools of blood gathered just under the skin. My micro surgeon, Dr. Hanson, reconstructed the vascular system in the chunks of fat from my thighs into the veins and arteries in my chest. The transplant was successful! There is a healthy flow of blood circulating all throughout my new breasts/chest creating beautiful brand new pink skin that you can see where the scabs are falling away. Soon I'll have two beautiful, shiny, new, perky, little, cancer free breasts that are all me and will grow with me the rest of my life! ;-)

I am not completely out of the woods, however, and last couple of days has been another reminder of the seriousness of this surgery as well as the necessity to GO SLOW, STAY PRESENT AND BE GENTLE WITH MYSELF! I have a tendency to be a bit of an over-achiever, and so with all of the "stellar" reports of progress, I decided to cut he pain meds in 1/2 and start doing more and more. I have been experiencing moments of becoming, overheated, dizzy and feeling faint. Usually, I just sit for a minute with a kind of tight, pain in my chest and breathe deeply calming myself until it subsides. Yesterday, as I went to see Dr. Lee, my blood pressure was read at 172/102...the nurses were alarmed, though Dr. Lee has remained steadfast in his belief in my bodies ability to calibrate and make the adjustment. To be safe & because my blood pressure readings have steadily gotten higher since my release from the hospital, he recommended I visit Dr. Chow to have my blood pressure checked. When I was in the hospital, I was anemic for 6 of the 7 days I was there. The ICU Dr. fought with Dr. Lee because he felt I needed a blood transfusion. Dr. Lee insisted I was young and healthy, and my blood would regenerate just fine. The night before I was released from the hospital, Dr. Lee was right, and Dr. Maeck was amazed saying he'd never before seen anyone recover so rapidly (overnight, in fact). Now, Dr. Chow read all of this in my discharge notes, took a look at my pale face, cold hands and other symptoms and said "I suspect that you may be anemic again. In which case, we will need to get you a blood transfusion." However, she had a few other ideas and wanted to gather information before jumping to conclusions. I had blood work drawn today, and she asked that I up the dosage of my pain meds again. She feels that I may be coming off of the pain meds too quickly, adding stress to my heart. So, I'm back to 3/4 of the full dose of pain meds, moving very slow and being very cautious, concentrating on my healing and continuing to be grateful for each breathe realizing my own fragility even amidst the gratitude and feeling with all of you behind me...I got this cancer thing beat! I have so many people to thank...I can't imagine having gone through this experience with so much success without ALL of the positive, healing thoughts, prayers, candles lit, altars dedicated and meditations done. REALLY, I am only as strong as the people around me, and I feel as if I could do anything...Right before I went into the hospital....I had some pretty dark moments; being angry that we are forced to accept that 1 in every 3 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in the Bay Area...the social justice warrior in me being outraged by this! Also, feeling terrified, facing my ultimate fear of letting go completely and trusting others to keep me alive. I can honestly say, I am not angry and I am not afraid anymore! Albeit, chemo, surgeries, seeing friends family, strangers through cancer...whatever it is, I am grateful, humbled and in awe of the power, love and support of all of you seeing me through this, and so I continue to let go, trust and be grateful. Thank you to my friends and family far and near who made donations to BCA, have sent cards, e-mails, gift baskets, meals and text messages of love and support; I am still in awe and emotional every time someone reaches out to me with such selfless and caring support! Spike took this picture of people hanging out in the tiny, little waiting room at St. Mary's hospital during my surgery.

Thanks to all of you who wore green. That's just awesome! Thanks to everyone who came on the day of my surgery to sit with Spike in the waiting room. It was small and crowded, but your presence and support being there for Spike meant so much.

Thank you to Trevor (and the Green Chilie Kitchen http://greenchilekitchen.com/), Issarah & Jai Bird, Chrissy, Margaret and others whom I can't remember who made and brought delicious homemade food and snacks to keep us fueled in and out of the hospital!

Thank you to Margaret, Shawn and Krista who spent the nights with Spike in our home while I was in the hospital, so she could feel safe, supported and rested enough to get through 7 16 hour days back to back at the hospital! Thanks to all of you who came to the hospital and stood by my side in shifts: -Kole aka: Kolie; thank you for feeding me my first solid food and helping lug all of that equipment around so I could take my first steps! -Krista & Janice; thank you for the massages, urgent care, and as always sharing all of the laughter and tears. -Miche; thank you for being there, without hesitation, bringing so much love, laughter and support during a very difficult time. -Jo; thank you for the Madigan pillow, customized oxygen tube, sips, songs and dances. -Ana & Stace; thank you for all of the foot & hand rubs, sharing laughter and tears and supporting me through a rough day. -Joaquin aka: Keenie Green Beanie aka: KGB; thanks for surprising me on your birthday to come and give me a mani pedi in my hospital bed!!! You're amazing and so cute for an old guy...;-) -Gillian & Omar aka: Gomar; thank you for the read allouds and stories, the clickety clacking of needle work by my bedside, lovely lavender foot and hand cream rubs, laughter and love. -Shawn; thank you for being such an anchor, rubbing and scratching me, washing my hair and seeing me through. -Lori & Secret Agent "Ice Bat"; thank you for all of your time, resources and channels you've coordinated in support of me through this entire process, in addition to all of the massages, snacks, talks, meditations and energy work that you've done and continue to do with me. -Jason aka: J-fab aka: J-Sondra; thank you for endless hours you spent communicating with everyone, posting updates, coordinating communications during and after with Spike and talking to my Doctors, nurses and care-takers, being an anchor for me, being present, rubbing, scratching and holding me and the light in the dark moments, listening and sharing yourself and your time selflessly to support me through this.

Thank you to all of the amazing Doctors, nurses, care-takers and assistants who have cared deeply for both Spike and I from the first moment we met, empowered us with information, got behind us and supported our decisions and requests and moved schedules (and mountains at times) to ensure that I received the best care possible...all entirely covered by insurance (thank you OUSD, Brown & Towland and Healthnet).

Finally, Spike, I have no words to express my love and gratitude for you. You have been and continue to be nothing short of a miracle to me. Thank you for your strength, courage, patience and trust, standing beside me all the way; holding me and the light when I couldn't see or stand on my own. Thank you for being my witness, documentarist, cheerleader, lover and number one joy fluffer! Thank you for your willingness to be venerable with me, facing your fears while I faced mine. Thank you for being you, being honest, open and true to yourself and everyone around you. Thank you for your generosity, beauty, grace and light shining down on me warming my heart and healing my soul. I love you in all ways and for all time; always have, always will.

Speaking of Spike, my documentarist...here are some pictures she took of my time at St. Mary's...

This is Monday morning May 17th, at about 5:45am, registering for surgery. Jason had stayed the night with us, and we woke up at 5:30am, got dressed, I lit a white 7 day novena candle for myself dressed in protection oil and then Jason drove Spike and I to St. Mary's hospital. They had me strip down and put on a hospital gown and footies, sign away my life and then pee in a cup. Moments later, a n orderly named Cornell came and got me to wheel me down to the operating room. Once down there, they pushed me into a waiting area. I jumped out of bed just long enough to give Jason a hug, then they had me lay back down.

My doctors all met me there. Dr. Pamela Lewis (my breast surgeon) came first and when she saw me, she scooped me up in her arms and held me close to her for several long moments (I thought of my friend Zette as she held me because the way in which she did was 'heart to heart', and whenever I hug Zette she insists that we hold each other heart to heart). After this long embrace, she put me back down and said "Are you ready?" I said "As ready as I'll ever be." And with that she assured me that I was going to just fine. She reviewed once again, exactly what she was going to do, and in this picture I'm reminding her of something she said. The second picture is the chief of anesthesiology at St. Mary's, Dr. Petrona. She asked me a series of questions, took my blood and told me I was their only patient in surgery today, so I would be their baby. The 3rd and 4th picture are of Dr. Charles K. Lee, my plastic surgeon. He, too, spoke with me about how was feeling reviewed the procedure, gave us a timeline, ad began taking measurements and marking my thighs, breasts, chest and stomach with lines of symmetry to help guide his incisions and the transplant.

These four pictures are in the room, waiting while the Doctors scrubbed up, we were all tired, but in good spirits right up to the time I kissed Spike and they wheeled me into the operating room. Once in the operating room, Dr. Petrona started a I.V. in my ankle, and Dr. Lewis right by my side the entire time, held my hand and said "So, where would we like to go for a glorious vacation, Ally?" Without hesitation I replied "To the beach on the north shore of Kauai!" And with that, Dr. Lewis still holding my hand said "Two first class tickets to Kauai please, Dr. Petrona, and bring us two Mai Tai's while we wait!" Then I was out like a light, peacefully sleeping through the twelve hours of operating.

I'e been told that many people lit candles and made altars for me that day. This is a picture of and altar assembled for me at the Lotus Center on Valencia St. where we get accupuncture from Miria Toveg and visit our meditation teacher, Lori Del Mar. There was one point during the surgery, where I have this crystal clear image of hovering over the operating table and looking down at myself, chest open on the left side, bloody, but covered on the right. My arms were outstretched in a "T". There were some tubes, cables and machinery around me. The room was really bright, full of light, in fact, I was squinting to see and the only contrast other that the blue scrubs that the nurses and doctors were wearing was this aqua marine colored stripe of tile around the perimeter of th room. I felt peaceful as I squinted, looking down at myself, seeing Dr. Lee, Dr. Lewis, Dr. Patrona...my micro surgeon, Dr. Hanson was also there, and there were three nurses, two white women and a black woman. Other than Dr. Lewis asking Dr. Patrona for two tickets to Kauai and two Mai Tai's, it's the only thing I remember during the surgery.

I was in the ICU for 5 days...it was awful, except for my friends by my side and an extraordinary group of nurses who cared deeply for me, Spike and the circle of friends who stood by my side.

Above is the only picture of me in the ICU with nurse Boon-Chow adjusting cables across me. My bed was at a set 35 degree angle the entire time. I had to keep my elbows tucked at my sides and was not allowed to move, or the monitors with alarms would go off. I was stuffed in a tiny room, surrounded by machines blinking and beeping around the clock. Nurses were constatnly coming in and out of the room all through the night. Boon-Chow was my favorite day-time nurse. She had been a nurse for 33 years, raised 3 sons who are all grown and working as doctors and medical researchers. She had a very sweet, high pitched voice, but was very direct and matter of fact about things. She moved quickly and didn't hesitate...she had one goal, and that was to get me out of ICU...and she did! Thanks, Boony-Chow! My other favorite nurse was my nightime nurse, Sister Bindsi. She was from the a small agricultural town in the south part of India where she descibed her father allowing her to run and eat the fruit from the coconut, mango and papya plantations surrounding their home. She too, was adiment about me getting out of the ICU, and continually pushed me to do more and more. Thank you, Sister Bindsi!

Once out of the ICU, they moved me to room 716 with an extraordinary view looking out over St. Ignacious Cathedral, the USF Law School building and surrounding NOPA neighborhood. Having this view, somehow, brought me back to life, reconnected me with the world I know outside of the hospital. I was only in that room for 3 days, but literally felt like I came back to life there. That's me taking my first steps on the 7th floor with nurse Kinji, who was about to graduate from his excelerated nusing program. He's carrying the flap monitor, and nurse Rita on my left was the charge nurse of the 7th floor and took supreme care of me and the friends and family. And next to her is my good friend Krista, who was there with me for many "Big" moments that I'll never forget. And on the end is me and J-fab with the Madigan pillow that Joanne bought for me, since she couldn't sneak Madigan into the hospital to see me.

This is minutes before I left room 716 to be ischarged from the hospital on Monday, May 24th at 3:30PM. That's nurse Susie behind me, she was a great sport and fantastic care taker of me and the friend and family.

Thanks again for your continued support. Be sure to check out the Picture Project Post as I've continued to update it, adding pictures and comments.