Confronted with the Fierce Urgency of NOW...

My life has always been and will always be accompanied by a soundtrack. That being said, please press play on the Spotify playlist "Thank You" and listen as you read.

I have been privileged, honored and inspired to work with public school leaders on a daily basis over the last decade. This new year kicked off collaborative planning with a new principal at West Oakland Middle School needing to "Re-ignite the fire" of her staff so that the West Oakland Phoenix would RISE once again. I stood in awe as she presented to her staff, her lips quivering with an impassioned plea, reciting:

We are now faced with the fact that tomorrow is today. We are confronted with the fierce urgency of now. In this unfolding conundrum of life and history, there "is" such a thing as being too late. This is no time for apathy or complacency. This is a time for vigorous and positive action.” MLK Jr. (from "The Fierce Urgency of Now")

I was so focused on how her staff experienced her presentation and all of the resulting follow-up, that it hasn't been until NOW, almost two months later, that I'm fully recognizing the impact of those words in me. In fact, I've spent so much of my time re-igniting the spark for others, that I've neglected to do it for myself.

I didn't realize that my last blog post was from January 2011; just over 5 years ago. At that time, I could barely see, let alone write, so my blog was more like a Facebook frenzy of pictures, subtitles and occasional comments. It reflected the depletion of my physical, emotional and spiritual health.

During that time, I had been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in both breasts, recovered from a 17 hour surgery to remove my breasts and 7 cycles of chemotherapy in a timespan of less than 9 months. All the while, leaving my beloved school in Oakland after 4 stellar years of growth, and starting a new job investing SFUSD school leaders in an intensely focused 3-year plan for school turnaround. During those 9 months, 3 things kept me alive and moving forward:

1. The tender love and care of my lover, friends, St. Mary's oncology nurses, constantly surrounding me.
2. Frequent trips into nature.
3. To be of service.* Which, for me, meant continuing to be in service of public education.

BUT I still had 6 more cycles of treatments to go at that point. I was only halfway done with the cancer ordeal when I last wrote 5 years ago. Over those next 6 months, my hair began to grow back, and with it a great sigh of relief whispered by everyone around me. The hair growing back must have signified to those around me that the threat was over and so their support shifted. As did the rest of my life with me continuing to coach leaders and schools, then go back in school as the assistant principal at Everett Middle School, film a documentary and return to Oakland to coach more public school leaders and schools. My life resumed 'normalcy' on an even more accelerated track then it was on before cancer, except my body, my mind and spirit were exhausted. 

I've known for quite some time that I needed to do something different to replenish and rebuild myself, as the flame of my passion has slowly dwindled to a few still smoldering embers. My lungs now struggle daily to keep up with my pace; I no longer have the breath to keep all of the once brightly burning flames alive all around me.

I've been running so fast for so long now, you'd think I'd by at my all time peak of fitness. How is that I'm the heaviest I've ever been, and I'm so out of breath? Confronted with the urgency of now, I looked into deaths eyes and decided to run instead; And I've been running out of fear of death catching up to me again ever since. Many dear souls, who ran along side of me, also fighting to be free of cancer could not keep up, and I ran even faster hearing that death had caught up to them.

Last summer was the first time that I heard the call of my father, with regret in his texts, asking forgiveness, saying he loves and misses me and his health is declining. The urgency of now welling up from the pit of my stomach into my throat, and forcing tears with its' insistence of being expressed right now. I hope the coast is clear for me now after 5 years in remission, but either way the urgency of now is to be fully present, open and available to consciously create this moment right now with what's been hiding in the shadow of my soul. 

Confronted with the fierce urgency of now; I must live my life with no regret and no fear. And with that realization, I am in the process of letting go. Letting go of everything that is keeping me running in fear, in order to create space for me to regenerate and rekindle my own fire.

Striking Differences, is a documentary I've been working on that explores the dichotomous delusions of right and wrong, black and white, war and peace, health and disease, life and death; These paradoxical relationships have dictated most of my life. It's survival of the fittest, right? It does not mean I must travel and conquest and exploit others for resources. No, that's a primitive experience of drama. It means that in order for my lineage to thrive, I must travel and diversify my experiences. It means I must understand how to collaborate, listen and embrace differences. Self preservation isn't a result of survival of the fittest for fear of death; Self-preservation is embracing differences, being our true authentic selves and recognizing it is the nurturing, sharing and embracing the diversity of our experiences that will enable us to evolve and thrive as a planet.

So tell me, what's different about you? How do you feel about differences? Why do you feel that way? If your upbringing and education was similar to mine in the United States, then you're probably raised in the context of our founding fore fathers, who set out to "preserve the freedom of the white patriarchy with its' religion and education driven culture and government enforced authority of right and wrong." Thus, all systems created federally are unconsciously and consciously staying in power in order to perpetuate and reinforce their preservation at the expense of "enemies of the state," which means anyone who challenges those systems of power. I've traveled across the country to learn and embrace what's different about you, and now I want to understand more about who we are in the context of the world.

Now it is time for me to simplify my life, catch my breath, explore and embrace the rest of this big world and rekindle my own fire, be closer to my family and finish the Striking Differences documentary.