The Booby Trap

I co-produced my first ever fundraising benefit for Breast Cancer Action called "The Booby Trap" back in 1997 at Cafe Du Nord. It was a fabulous all female cabaret show with performances by Jewel Gomez, The Yeastie Girlz, Michelle Tea, Elvis Herselvis (Leigh Crow), and several others. At the time, my oh so young and hot partner, Spike, had a breast cancer scare, and I was in my second year of college at SFSU reading Audre Lorde's "The Breast Cancer Diaries" in one of my Women Studies classes. Freaked out, but being the student that I am, I decided to educate myself and do something constructive. I found Breast Cancer Action, http://www.bcaction.org/ , a non-profit organization here in SF and appreciated the excellent research and advocacy work they did for so many women fighting breast cancer. Spike's scare, turned out to be a false alarm, but I continued to stay connected and support BCA's excellent work. I read the monthly newsletters and took the information to heart, BUT I never imagined I'd be needing their help myself. I'm 38 years old now, an assistant principal of a public elementary school in Oakland, Spike (my fabulous partner) and I have been together now over 15 years and own a home together in Bernal Heights. Our lives as individuals and together as a couple have been outstanding. I am young, strong willed, educated, proactive and very healthy...AND was just diagnosed with breast cancer in both breasts. How did this this happen? I am at a loss to explain, but desperately trying to understand. I recently got on a big workout/health kick about 3 months ago, and lost about 20lbs. Aside from being stricken with kid cooties (usually everything they catch, I catch), I was looking great, and feeling better and better. One morning in the shower, while I was sick at home with the flu (Wednesday, March 10th), I felt a hard lump in the side of my left breast. My heart skipped a beat, feverish and feeling faint, I yelled for Spike. She felt it, and saw the confusion in my face and said "It's okay, probably just a swollen gland, but you should call Dr. Chow and make an appt. to have her check it out." I did that, and felt horrified and scared in my gut, but reassured myself...after all, I just saw Dr. Chow (my primary physician for years) on 1/29 for my annual exam and got a clean bill of health as usual. I saw Dr. Chow the next day on 3/11, and she felt both of my breasts. She felt the lump in my right, and a lump in my left but said that she was sure it was okay because I was about to start my period. I told her that I had NEVER before had lumpy breasts, during or after my period and that I was concerned. She assured me that she had just checked me a month ago and she felt it was fine. In that moment, this fear swelled up inside of me, like molten lava, and unexpectedly, I started to cry. She then said, "Let's go ahead and get an ultrasound done, just to be sure." Gut feelings for me are usually something I can't explain; It's primal, instinctive, physical, confrontational and very uncomfortable. That day, I knew and in retrospect, I've had this deep, emotional, confrontational gut feeling that something was going terribly wrong in my body for a long time, but just as I had done before, I pushed it down and made the ultrasound appointment for the following Tuesday (3/16) at St. Mary's hospital. After all, I am a strong, intelligent, proactive optimist (well, for the most part anyway).

So, now I'm swimming in a whirlpool of dates, details and testing...During the ultrasound, the Dr. on duty called Dr. Chow and asked to take a mammogram. In the mammogram results, Dr. Priest (the Dr. looking at the ultrasound and mammogram results) recommended a biopsy on the lump in the left breast. Dr. Chow authorized it, and so I returned to St. Mary's the following Wednesday (3/24) for a biopsy done by Dr. Priest on the lump (they called it a 1.9cm lesion at the time). The biopsy was done with no problem, they inserted a titanium marker into the lump and took another mammogram. In review of that mammogram, Dr. Priest asked me about the white specks deep in my chest behind my right breast. He told me that he felt they were calcification's that should not be there, but might require a surgical biopsy because of their location. He noted that in his documentation for Dr. Chow and told me they would have the biopsy results back either Friday or Monday and Dr. Chow would contact me to give me those results. I told Dr. Priest that I wanted the lumps removed regardless of what they were, and he referred me to Dr. Pamela Lewis. I made an appointment with Dr. Lewis to get information about removing the lumps for the following Wednesday (3/31).

Okay, so you know that feeling you get on a roller coaster ride where the car is clicking and clanking as it's pulled, one link at a time, up an enormous, steep hill just before being released...

(Keep in mind, I've never liked roller coasters.)

I never heard from Dr. Chow. I called her office and left several messages, Monday (3/29) and Tuesday (3/30), but never heard back. I started panicking. I felt another lump then in my right breast. Spike and I went to meet with Dr. Lewis and I had her feel the lump in my right breast. She ordered a biopsy on that one and started talking about surgery for the left breast. I interrupted her and said "I guess we'll just have to wait and hear what the results from the biopsy on the left before we make any plans." She said, "Honey, we have your results, didn't you already talk with Dr. Chow?" I said "No, and she put her hand on my knee and said "Oh shit. Honey, there's no easy way to say this...You have cancer. But I'm your Dr. now, and I will take care of you." Spike and I just looked at each other and cried, then the Dr. showed the biopsy results and drew a diagram explaining that I have a ductile carcinoma with enhancements (the breasts contain many milk glands and ducts. A ductile carcinoma is a cancer originating in one of the milk ducts) in my left breast which has broken out of the duct and spread into the breast tissue. I said "but it's early, right?" She asked when my last exam was, and then said "well, it doesn't appear to be in the latest stage, but it's not in the earliest either. It's definitely been there since before your exam in January, but however long, we're lucky we caught it now, and I'm recommending we go for a lumpectomy (removal of the lump or cancerous tissue). Of course, we'll want to biopsy the lump in your right breast first, and I'd like to order genetic testing and breast MRI's. Right now, we need to gather all of the information we can about your breasts and the carcinoma (cancer). If we do a lumpectomy, I will shoot the tumor up with dye to see if it travels into your lymph nodes. If it does, I will try to take as few as possible within a safe range to insure we remove effected tissue." Then, she went on to explain, when she does the lumpectomy on the left breast, she can then do the surgical biopsy on the right to examine those calcification's. She also explained, that if we get back other information about the lump in the left breast, we may need to make other arrangements, possibly mastectomy with reconstructive surgery. "If we find that the carcinoma has entered your blood stream, then we may need to do hormone or chemo therapy. But right now, there's nothing to do except go to a warm sunny beach, drink many margaritas and when you return, we'll know more and make a plan." Immediately after that appointment, rage swelled up inside of me and I marched into Dr. Chow's office (across the hall) slamming my fists on the reception counter, demanding to see her. She was out of the office, but I made quite a scene yelling "Dr. Chow never called me back, and I just found out that I have cancer from a total stranger, who says I've had it for a while! You call Dr. Chow, right now, and tell her that she will be hearing from my attorney!" My partner, Spike was mortified. I was overcome and felt out of control. ARGH!!! When we got into the car, I shattered into a million pieces...What in the world just happened?! I left the office, and called my principal to give her the awful news.

The next day, I went and had the lump in my right breast biopsied by Dr. Priest again, but this time, the biopsy was batched and for two weeks now, my boob has been on ice packs, entirely black and blue, swollen and sore! Three days later, we left for Puerta Vallarta (a trip we had planned for Spring break, long before we discovered any of this). April 4, 2010, Easter Morning in Puerta Vallarta...I put on my Sunday best, which for most of my trip meant an over sized sports bra stuffed with ice packs in one side, and headed to the beach! I was grateful to be surrounded by gay men in speedos on the beach, who never even noticed my purple, swollen boob in my bikini top! Go figure!

Happy Easter!!!

Two days later in Purta Vallarta, at 12:30 in the afternoon a couple streets over from our luxurious condo...I was mugged by some guy! This is altogether another story, but definitely kicked me into my primal fight for your survival mode as I refused to give my bag up to the 6'2" guy who had come up from behind me on a hill, and grabbed my diesel bag which was strapped securely across my chest! When he grabbed it, I swung around, pulled it back yelling "Hey!" He was knocked off balance and fell, then I came tumbling down after him, both of us still clutching and pulling the bag. He got to his feet first, and took off running, pulling the bag over my head and snagging my earring, which ripped my earlobe in half and severed it away from my head...lost the bag with the camera, blackberry, and sunscreen and got 13 stitches, antibiotics, sleeping pills and a new nickname "Franken lobe"! Yay!

On Wed. last week 4/7, Dr. Chow and Dr. Lewis's assistant called and left messages on my vm. Dr. Chow was apologizing profusely, saying she had apparently been leaving messages at the wrong phone number for me, and only realized it was the wrong number when her office manager compared the number I had left in my messages to the number they had for me in their system. Additionally, she reported the biopsy results for the right breast was the same cancer as in the left breast, and she was sorry again. So very thoughtful of her to leave me that message in the middle of my vacation, having the opportunity to apologize to my voicemail, I hope that made her feel better because it certainly didn't help me any! Dr. Lewis's assistant said that Dr. Lewis was recommending we go ahead with the MRI the Monday that I returned, but having reviewed the biopsy on the right breast, she was recommending we plan for a radical mastectomy of both breasts and reconstructive surgery.

A move to the heart of the densely populated gay part of town along with a fabulous gay boat tour http://www.dianastours.com/ and mucho mas cervezas, salvaged our disastrous Spring Break vacation!